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It Hits Me Like A Tidal Wave

F Y Q A W I L L I A M

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

I'm sorry, dear heart. I've let you down again.

I can't remember feeling love as real and as big as this for a really really long time.

I have been waiting, trying to find that person who I'll have a happy-ever-after with. Yes, I am that kind of girl. I've been so in love so many times and I've been brokenhearted probably as much. I was going through a pattern, going around in circles. I started wondering why I was given a heart like mine, I got so tired... One day I decided to let it all go.

There was someone waiting all along, he's always been there but I never really noticed. I couldn't understand how he can still stay after everything I put him through, how he can still give me so much after he saw how fucked-up I am as an individual.

He seems like he never stopped. So finally, I let him.

He told me, and I was convinced. He'll never cheat on me. He'll never be too "busy" for me. He can never be far away from me. He always listens, I don't have to worry about being wrong or looking stupid because he knows the very depths of me and he accepts me for my weaknesses and my imperfections. He loves me even during the times I'm being so hard on him or even those times I turned my back on him and did him wrong. I'll never have to worry about his intentions with me or what might be the real motive behind all the kindness and goodness, it is his very nature.

But, that was what he said.

Who have expected a man who knows the very depths of me and my weaknesses, would stir some shit up? We used to be a pair of happy friends. We used to be each other's reason to laugh. We used to be partners, walking together from school to the MRT. Although I felt something was wrong somewhere, I held back my crazy-ass thoughts, simply because I trusted you.

Nonetheless, I am not putting the blame on you for whatever that has happened between us. I blame myself. I blame myself for breaking a promise that I made to myself, ever since I lost a person who meant the world to me many, many months back because the loss really took a big piece of me. So I promised myself to: Embrace and protect my heart with everything I have. Trust no one else and nothing else but yourself. And I broke my promise. I failed to do so. I fell for what my five senses told me and got myself into a huge mess. I'm sorry, dear heart. I've wounded you badly, again. My apologies.