I have been thinking about changes... The soon to happen ones. As always, I am pretty sure things will go wrong. Well, they always do. Affect one another. Fall after one another. Like some dominos. So, where should I begin to pick myself up then?
I've been feeling so weirdly these days, and horrible too. I have too many feelings all mixed and blended inside me. But they're never the nice things. Right now, this mixture is churning inside me and I can assure you they taste as bad as having beer and garlic mixed together and worst of all, I couldn't get rid of them. Maybe I could. I just don't know how to.
AFRAID. SAD. HAPPY. COMFY. ANGST.
If one ask me why I'm afraid, I can't find the exact words to express it. It's like I'm afraid of being so afraid, I'm afraid of feeling the way I felt again, I'm afraid of having to be alone. Maybe I'm afraid of changes that I never knew - the lies that kept on churning every single day which gives the illusion that everyday is the same as it was on other days... All the way until I see it myself as the mask of those lies slowly fades. I saw it for myself and I could feel myself dying over and over again. Maybe, I'm more afraid. Because I'm still alive. You know, so much of a description, just infer.
I hate feeling like this. Like right now. I feel so locked up. Not locked up in a sense that I don't have freedom and shit. WELL, I HAVE TOO MUCH FREEDOM INDEED. Which isn't a good thing, I feel. I don't want to feel so locked up. As in, to feel like I have to shut the gate and toss the key somewhere. Just so I will feel better. More at ease. More peaceful. More comfortable to cry and shout and break and think and think.
And when that happens, loneliness shall engulf the better of me. And even barricade me. Well, I know I'll feel better barricaded, protected and all in any highest tower like Rapunzel. With no one able to watch me struggle as I cope with the differences. No one will judge and come out with any remarks as I deal with everything. Perhaps, from time to time, a handsome prince would drop by, keep me occupied, shower me with the love he have, and put a smile on my face. But all in all, eventually I'm back to being alone.
Forgive me, for when I wrote this, if I do not get to you. If I do not tug at your heart strings and make you reconsider what you will not consider. If I do not strike a chord yet I sound fascinating and completely at the tether of my sanity all at once. If I'm okay on the outside when my mind is one dark wonderland. I'm sorry.
